On Being Broken

     I’ve always had what I like to call “issues”. Health issues, to be exact. I’ve learned to not notice them very much over the years. Sometimes, though, they demand my attention. And, when I say demand, it’s not like they just nicely walk up and say, “Oh, you have something you should go take care of in, say, the next twenty minutes. No rush.”  it’s more like they run up and start screaming in my face, “YOU. GO. TAKE CARE OF IT. NOW.

    These “issues” have, among other things, made a rather large dent in my sense of worth. They have affected, not just the way I look at myself as a person, but the way I sometimes feel God sees me. Inadequate. Unworthy. BROKEN.

    A few months ago, I had a run-in with one of my more prominent “issues”. The meeting was, as always, unscheduled and very inconvenient. What made it worse, I wasn’t even at home. I was with my mom, at our church, completely unprepared. That’s usually when it happens: when I can’t do anything about it. One second I’m perfectly fine, then BOOM! “Um, mom, I need to go home now.”

    We got in the car, and, almost immediately, I started crying. I just didn’t get how it happened. And that’s when the realization hit me, right smack in the middle of everything that makes up who I am. I AM BROKEN, AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX ANYTHING. I went to my room and just started praying, “God, I’m broken. I realize now just how broken I am. I don’t understand why this happens to me. With all the stuff that’s wrong with me…I just don’t get how You could possibly love me when I’m so incredibly broken.”

    Another thing I should mention here: God seems to really enjoy smacking me upside the head, which is exactly what He did. “Jordanne, are you serious? Don’t you know that I am aware of how broken you are? I know better than you do! I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I DIED FOR.”

    And, suddenly, I felt okay. Not completely whole, I don’t think I will feel that way until I get to Heaven. It was more like I finally felt alright with the fact that I am broken, because God loves me, just the way I am.


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